Yep, way overdue for a blogger linked to the Russian adoption world, I know, but here goes!
Right after the incident of the mother "returning" her 7-yo adopted son to Russia, we all saw how the blogs, social networks, yadda yadda, were overrun with scathing remarks and essays about this adoptive mother, with calls made for everything from fines to extended incarceration to worse. Russia launched into its usual "THIS is why we don't want to adopt out to Americans!" stance, and threatened to halt international adoptions. (Much credit is actually due to the Russian government for not halting the process). Me? I wanted to think a little.
Of course what this woman did struck me as very wrong, and awful for the child, but I wasn't comfortable with the lynching, either. I also wasn't comfortable with the Russians' outrage at her treatment of the child, as callous as it was, when it's not unusual for Russian families to adopt from their own orphanages - often to collect on financial incentives - and then return the child when it doesn't work out, and nobody says a word. What mattered to me most was that what happened was bigger than this one woman's actions. And where I agreed with the Russian government is that it did signal the need for some sort of safeguard.
What I first tried to do was put myself in this woman's shoes, but of course I couldn't. I've never adopted a 7-year old boy, with an unknown history which most likely involves unknown forms of abuse along with at least one awfully painful abandonment (2 if you count the adoption itself), from a far away country, who is now threatening my family, showing a violent streak, and trying to burn down my home with our family in it... and had to deal with this day after day. Granted, we don't know for sure that this is actually what was happening, but anyone passingly familiar with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) knows that it certainly could have been.
What I could do was recall my own experience. I remember truly feeling for this little person who'd been taken away from the only life she knew, the only language she knew, who must've been feeling terribly confused and lost. I also remember my nerves running way short when this was coming out in the form of long and violent (screaming, hitting, clawing, biting...) 2am rages. Or multiple, intense mid-day rages that could last an hour or more each. Hell, you may remember my (pre-Facebook) postings here, begging for anyone who was up and reading to offer some quick tips! How many times did I post that I was at "wit's end"?? I love this awesome little Monkey to pieces, she loves me, and if we don't illustrate a "successful" adoption I don't know what does, but goodness knows it took an awful lot of work, bandages, and frazzled nerves getting here. And this was an adoption of a happy-natured (if volatile!) not-even 2-year-old baby girl, whose fairly straightforward history I more or less did know.
I absolutely think this mother should've sought help locally. Anyone in the U.S. who adopts has a social worker who handles their case, who may or may not be part of the international adoption agency. If not, then there's someone to contact at the agency, as well. That said, I suspect there's a lot of personal resistance to contacting these people in panic. There's a sense of personal failure, there's a fear that all that is said will be reported back to the child's country-of-origin's government and may create problems, fear of encountering a smug "hey, you asked for this!" mentality, etc...and, woulda/coulda aside, this may simply be too much for someone who's already so over-stressed and panicked to face.
Therefore, my proposal (for the 2 cents minus recessionary decrease its worth), is that a post-adoption support or panic plan be put in place pre-adoption. My agency director was terrific about telling me, upon our return home, that she's a trained and experienced social worker, and that I should feel free to call with any issues that crop up. Clearly, not all agencies do that, and regardless, they're busy with their adoption-facilitating functions. So, whether it's by the international agency or the local social worker, I think a plan needs to be put in place. A list of local resources with phone numbers or URL's, to be sure, but then also a first-line person for issues as they crop up, a second-line person in case that doesn't do it, and a"panic plan" for the most extreme cases of wit's-ended-ness or fears for one's own, or one's child's, safety. Details could be hammered out by someone better versed in social work than I am, but the plan, in writing, should be in every adoptive parent's hands by the time they arrive home with their child. I'm willing to bet that even just knowing it's there would relieve a lot of stress.
Pre-adoptive education should also be a must, and I think any of us who've "btdt" that can agree that the 10 hours of online 'training' is a joke. At the very least, again, a list of resources about issues commonly encountered for access pre-adoption (which, let's face it, is probably also a joke since the issues you'll encounter are, by Murphy's Law, never the ones you're prepared for!), as well as post-.
What I'm now iffy on, partly because none of us knows what's involved yet, is the agreement that the US and Russia are supposedly close to finalizing for inter-country adoption. I'm all for an agreement, and glad, of course, that this is moving along so quickly and seemingly amicably. What makes me apprehensive is the likelihood that it involves giving Russian government some control over the adoption even after the child and family are back on US soil. It's great that a simple agreement would, in theory, keep adoptions moving, but I honestly expect this sort of control would scare a lot of Americans away from Russian adoption, which would be an awful shame for the thousands of orphans who'd miss out on finding families. And, it might also scare adoptive parents away from reporting difficulties at home, in fear of Russia's rights to "reach over" and intervene, even post- adoption. For now, we'll have to wait and see what the details actually are.
Bottom line, methinks we parents should learn from what works at home. Rules and punishments may be necessary evils, but education and support are most often what works best.
